Lucas Camilo

Five years ago we packed up our incredibly complex lives, said goodbye to so many amazing people, and moved to Seattle.  It is hard to believe – its been so fast and so long, all at once.  We wrote a short post the next day about the trip – its mostly fun to look back and see what Lucas looked like five years ago.  And to remember how important Roy and Silo (the daddy penguins he carried everywhere) were to him back then!

Burke and I got to read some of our writing about parenting at a Rad Families book release event this weekend, along with some amazing parents/writers.  They inspired me to want to keep at this!  So here is my reflection today – a letter to myself.

Things You Could Not Have Known Five Years Ago

1 – Lucas will love headphones, and They Might Be Giants “ABCs” album on repeat will get you half way across the country.

2- You will all survive the flight.  Literally.  Lucas will not die of altitude or a plugged airway or a vent stopping because you forgot a back-up battery.

3 – You are not crazy for hyperventilating on the way to the airport.  Of course this is terrifying – keeping your baby alive AND saying goodbye to the people who have held you through hell and back, through joy and celebration and loving your unbelievable child.

4 – The people in charge will let you and all your gear and special liquid food and power cords and resuscitation bags through security and onto the plane.  Breathe.

5 – You will be able to hold your big, floppy baby/toddler/boy in your arms and smile down on him in flight.  There will come a time a couple years later, when he gets too big for this.  You will coax him into being held a little bit longer.  But then a time will come when you wonder when the last time was that you held your kid in your lap.  Were you fully present that time to soak it up?  Were you distracted by your endless churning of mental to-do lists?  Add “savor this moment” to your to-do list today.

6 – He will grow so big that the twin bed he gets when you move to the new city eventually becomes too small for snuggling.  But you will get a bigger bed that is perfect.  There will come an age when he all he wants is to be left alone with his i-pad all day, but come bedtime he’ll still whisper to you, “I want to snuggle.”

7 – You will never regret this decision to get on this plane, even on the days your heart longs for your dearest people who are now so far away.

8 – It will be painfully hard and isolating at first, moving to a new city with a child on a ventilator.  This will never go away completely, but it will fade further and further into the background as you are welcomed into new communities in the new town.

9 – You will have a baby in this new city and Lucas will go through an overnight metamorphosis, from an utterly (and appropriately) self-absorbed five year old to a sweet, generous big brother.

10 – In this new home you will add “gratitudes” to your bedtime routine.  As you and Burke tuck him into bed each night, he will start you off with his “I am grateful for…”  Regularly he will finish his sentence with a heartfelt “you guys.”