Choosing us (Sept. 14)
We’ve talked to a lot of people and read sections of books and articles about the experience of parents who have premature babies struggling in their first weeks or months of life. Already with Lucas we’ve gone through a range of emotions and challenges that would have seemed unimaginable to us before this all began, but we’ve managed to tackle those challenges as best we can, just like many parents we’ve met here in the NICU and many others who’ve dealt with such challenges under even more difficult circumstances (for example, not having access to the best neonatal medical facility around.)
When our friends and family graciously praise us for our will and courage, we usually say, hey, we’re just doing what we have to do to help give Lucas the strength to recover – how could it be any other way? But in those moments when we begin to waiver in our hope, or worry about the future, we sometimes question whether we’re really up for this. Like many parents-to-be, we had fantasized about the wonders of having a healthy little baby, and Lucas’s early life doesn’t fit into those fantasies. There is grieving in not having those expectations met, pain in imagining a future that looks different from the one we had envisioned, and sometimes even that question, “why us?”
And then the other day one of our friends – a wonderful mother and grandmother – said something that struck us both: “Lucas chose you”, she said. “You think that you chose to have him, but really it was the other way around; he picked you out as his parents knowing how tough the path ahead was going to be. He knew that he would need strong parents.” The more we think about this idea, the more it gives us strength and confidence in embracing Lucas’s struggle. Lucas’s undiagnosed sickness is by no means a burden for us; its a responsibility, perhaps even a blessing.
We also know that in picking us, Lucas didn’t just pick the two of us, but a large web of our friends and family that has already become part of his support network. Though neither of us ascribes to a particular religious tradition, we do believe in the concept of being blessed. As we continue to confront these challenges together, we know that we – the two of us and our community of friends and family – are blessed to be part this beautiful little life. And, we believe, he is also blessed in choosing us.
Comments (10)
Jennie Vinson
October 6th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Each year on my birthday my mom calls me and thanks me for choosing her to be my mom. I used to think she was so “woo woo”, but after reading your blog each day, I believe it too!
Hope you’re doing well and hanging in there! We love you so!
Jennie
Kary Thome
September 27th, 2009 at 12:12 am
I so agree that Lucas has chosen you to be his parents. Having our own family formed through adoption I truly believe in my heart that every child chooses their parents as you are together as a family because it was meant to be. It is amazing to read about all the love Lucas receives from everyone. We all send our positive thoughts your way.
Kary
Kristin Lasher
September 18th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Krista and Burke, every new entry in your blog is special, but this one touched me especially. I was once told when I was struggling with those early adolescent years, that my girls chose me as there was something I had to learn about myself. They were right and I am a better person for what they taught me. Lucas may be your teacher and also for all those close to you. Your compassion for those parents who experience a premature birth has been changed forever. My love to your strong and brave Lucas and to you.
john and patsi waller
September 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
This blog needs to be a book. Your love, strength, vulnerability and faith (in whatever form it comes to you) is a testamony for us all. Even in OUR struggle of saying goodbye to each other we have found joy and blessings. Your blog is such an encouragement and witness to the human spirit.
Continued love and prayers, John and Patsi
Dara
September 15th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Hey Krista & Burke,
I know it can feel super over-whelming for any new parents and the amount of extra strain with all the medical issues is definitely trying and I imagine over-whelming at times. I’ve been really impressed just with the simple act of keeping the postings coming so those of us who haven’t gotten to meet Lucas in the flesh (yet) can be a part of this journey.
We all have chosen you as our family. And want to keep supporting you with our love and prayers and wishes and food and everything we can in these coming months and years. Just as you would do and have done for me and so many others.
Big love,
dara
Ashley and the girls
September 15th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
We feel very blessed to be a part of Lucas’s beautiful little life. And he is very blessed as well to have three little cousins who talk about him daily and are always sending him love and good energy:)
Lots of love,
Ashley, Madden, Tya and Ellody
Vera
September 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Krista and Burke (and Lucas! <3),
… and what a blessing it is for your friends in DC that your little family is here, that we get to share in adoring Lucas and marveling at your journey together, and supporting the three of you in whatever ways we can. It was an incredible joy to meet Lucas (and see that neat elbow lift!!) and now even easier to imagine sending the little guy extra love and strength every day. Thank you all for being here and sharing so much with your community!
with love and hope~
vera
Julie Graves, Albany CA
September 15th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Krista and Burke,
Lucas’ story, the sweet pictures of his round head and delicate slender hands, his little life surrounded by your love, is deeply compelling. In an essay I read this week in the Atlantic, Caitlin Flanagan, writing on an otherwise unrelated subject wrote, ” In fact, I had never loved anyone yet, because I was years away from having a child of my own, and until you’ve done that you’re just guessing about love, gesturing toward it, assuming that it’s the right name for a feeling you’ve had.” So this is the blessing of Lucas, that you have entered into the profound mystery of loving your child, and that he experiences your love, in your touch and your voices, because responding to these is the first and most primitive, inborn biologic imperative of infant life. You are right to cherish hope: the studies you have reported do not show irreversible structural problems, and function can change for the better. Meanwhile, you are, willy-nilly, suspended in a magic circle with him. You, and those of us outside it drawn in by your notes, are learning awesome lessons.
Max
September 14th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
As I read this I thought, “but of course! Because who *wouldn’t* choose Krista and Burke as parents, especially if you’re facing a rough time?” Lucas has very good taste. I’m baking up some bread tonight to bring to you guys…would there be a good time to visit you tomorrow?
Much love,
-Max (and Jess!)
Alice
September 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Krista and Burke,
I love this. Lucas *did* choose you, because he knew your strength and resilience (and sense of humor!) and courage was exactly what he needed during this difficult time. I choose you, too — all three of you! It’s such a blessing to have you in my life, and I’m sorry I’m so damn far away. Soon, visits from Tia Alicia.
All my love,
alice
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